Gief Is Personal!

No one prepares you for death and no one teaches you how to live without loved ones. Finding light in the darkness of death is near impossible! There is bravery in a lot of things, but there is no bravery in death. 

In this century, people are slowly normalizing talking about death which has been a taboo especially in the African culture, but we still have a journey in learning about dealing wisely with the aftermath of death, which is grief. 

The journey of grief is very personal and is different for everyone. At one point, everyone faces this phase in their lives. After the dark season, you will have no regrets since you will have listened to yourself. 

Loss breeds a new chapter in the lives of the people left. The holidays are different since you have to spend them without the loved ones who have left, new responsibilities since someone has to wear the shoes of the departed, new beginnings especially if the departed was the breadwinner and a lot more. 

Loss discombobulates the people left. People say time heals everything, but I doubt that time heals loss. 

The grief process cannot be hurried by anyone, be it our closest friends or relatives. They will be so well meaning especially during that period of loss but can never understand what the grieving person is going through. 

There has never been a timetable for grieving.  Grief is a process to be lived through and has no timelines. It is basically not a problem to be solved. Recovery can definitely take long for some and short for others, but can never be rushed. Whatever your grief process is, it is important to live through it with no rush and without ignoring the pain.

During the grieving period, it is important not to downplay anyone’s story or dismiss anyone’s pain.  Anyone willing to help should remember that grief cannot fit in any timeframe.  Grief can make people look unreasonable, others remain so self-contained and seem not to be mourning.  

Some responses to grief may seem unnatural. Unacknowledged pain does not go away. Grief can only be survived by allowing pain to exist, not rushing and allowing yourself to live in that moment of pain. With loss, you can hardly get over it, you only Get on with it. Pain from loss of a loved one can hardly be cured, it can only be minimized perhaps! 

There is really no right or wrong way to deal with grief, and there is no best way to deal with grief and  reality remains, we never get over the loss, we only learn to love without them. 

One person’s way of dealing with it differs with the other. Among ways that have been helpful to me are expressing it by telling my story to another human. Sometimes, we fear judgement especially if you have experienced a prolonged season of loss, in this case meaning losing several people in a short span of time. 

In such cases, you could opt to talk to a stranger, randomly picked in a social media space, in a public recreational space or where you are likely to meet them. Other ways could be through journaling, taking nature walks or hikes to talk to the trees and nature or just crying it out. 

Crying does not mean you are weak, and not crying doesn’t mean you are not sorry about the loss. As much as crying is a normal response to loss, it is not the only one, so you don’t have to cry to prove you are sad. On the same front, you have no obligation to “protect” anyone by putting a brave face.

It is important to note your grief journey. Are there times you are sleeping? Are there times you feel more stable than others? Is there anything that’s adding your positive energy? Hanging out with a particular set of people? 

Having more money in your account? You should also be keen on things or people deflating your moods and healing process. All these are important things to note in the journal to track your grief handling process.

In the dealing with loss process, it Is important to acknowledge your pain, accept triggering of emotions, understand that you might have a different grieving technique, accept support from your support system, support yourself emotionally by trying to take care of yourself physically and being keen on the difference between grief and depression because grief can easily push someone to depression. Going through the different stages of grief is also crucial. 

The people who act as a support system should know when to talk and when to be silent and should avoid insisting that it will get better or better yet fronting religious views in someone’s darkest times.

As much as I am not a certified grief counsellor, I definitely have learnt a lot from this journey of life and loss. It is important to seek the services of qualified counsellors as you process grief. This helps speed up the process or rather guide you in the grief process. The people we love do not die, they remain in our hearts forever! 

To anyone going through loss, we send you lots of love and light. “Grieving doesn’t make you imperfect. It makes you human.” Sarah Dessen