Grief the woke of love

“Eighteen months down the line, he is still arrogant,rude and cold. He dismisses her existence the way a chain smoker dismisses the chances of him getting lung cancer . That’s what they do, right?”

By Linda Apollo

Stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. She knows this because She has seen her mom go through it all. She has been drowning in her own  grief. Maybe not that of widowhood but the intense grief is definitely there.

She knows the stages of grief because she has been living in grief. 

Denial: it’s not that he does not love or care about me. He does not know how to show that he loves me. He has a different way of showing love.

Anger: Why is he dating me if he has no interest in me? Why is he doing this to me? I hate him. I regret the day I laid my eyes on him.

Bargaining: love me. Please love me. Please. 

Depression: I am extremely exhausted. I don’t want to live anymore. I am tired.

Acceptance: I am stuck here. I am yet to decide what is really important to me. Here, patience is key. Miracles do happen. People change. Prayers get answered.

She has been in a relationship with the same man for a while now. It was a love relationship or so she thought. Eight months into the relationship she realized she was dating a narcissist who didn’t care about her.  She was his victim. He was not only emotionally abusive but also financially but that is not something that people talk about. Is it? People talk about sexual abuse, negligence, physical abuse… who talks about being emotionally abused or worse still financial abuse?  They will say that you are ungrateful. You have a man who loves and takes care of you. What more do you want? She was patient hoping that maybe one day he would change. Maybe he would eventually see her value 

Eighteen months down the line, he is still arrogant,rude and cold. He dismisses her existence the way a chain smoker dismisses the chances of him getting lung cancer . That’s what they do, right? They ignore it. He makes her feel invisible, unworthy of love, a ghost. What happened to the love they shared? What changed? Did he realize that she was less attractive now that they lived together and she was sleeping in a seng’enge ni ng’ombe . She gave it time. She’s a Christian so she prayed and kept the faith that things would get better. Two years later, he was still the same if not worse. They were familiar strangers. No proper communication, no intimacy. Well a little here and there when he needed something from her. No emotions.  

All along, her friends could see her misery behind the plastic smiles and forced laughters.  She didn’t have to say anything .  It was all visible.  But she was in love and love is patient right? She had put in a lot of work in this relationship to quit. What would people say about her?  They would mock her for walking out of a relationship yet she wasn’t being physically abused. What these people don’t know is that she is two months pregnant. She was stuck.

Every evening , she would say the serenity prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,” is this relationship and the misery in it something she could not change? Is it something she could have given up on a long time ago?  Is this how it was meant to be? Every time she thinks of quitting and walking away, she always has the anticipation that things would change. One way or the other. But does she have the courage to change the things that she can? Is the relationship all an illusion? Is she just seeking mirage?  Was she staying for the sake of her unborn baby? 

No one is certain about their lives. We are not sure where our lives are heading. Whenever she thinks of quitting, she thinks of her reasons not to.  How long should she hold on before she could finally leave? When is the safest time to walk away without guiltiness hanging over her head?

The question is, is he the kind of person I want to stay with? No one is going to decide for her. No one knows him like she does. She needs to face reality now. 

She needs to decide if she wants  to die grieving of love lost, move on to acceptance and start healing to get a better life for her child.