When The Love Runs Deep

This time when I look at him I am sure that he will be my undoing. When I love, I love like a small child.I give it my all and I open my arms wide and let the winds give me as many hugs as I can have.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and literally live for the moment. For me, it’s always the small things like how calm and collected he is when talking, his smiles, the laughs, the way he makes my morning coffee, the way he looks at me and his creative punny and sometimes perverted jokes. He makes my world go around. Hold up, isn’t it round already? Well, who knows?

Sometimes,my mind plays tricks on my heart. It pieces together all of what is undone. Unfinished and imperfect and begin to confuse it for who I really am. I am tired of overthinking through sleepless nights. Of always hoping, wishing and waiting that he is out there to give me a sign or a light. Not many people understand the way my heart beats. Not many people want to know the stories behind my scars.

I do not think love is supposed to hurt. Is it? Love should be soft. It should not feel like I am asking too much in this world or rather, this generation. All I want is to find something foundational. I do not have to settle. I deserve to find someone who chooses me the way I choose them.

I deserve to find a person who reciprocates my love, who wants to encourage my growth and see me realize my dreams and celebrate birthdays with me and milestones with me and make the sunniest kind of memories with me. Will he be the one I get to celebrate all these with?

His love will be my undoing, I am not sure how but I can feel it. I can feel it cut through my bone marrow, I can feel myself crushing down because of his love. I can feel it slowly tearing away the pieces of me that I struggled so much putting together and for a minute I did not care until I did.

I always like to think that I am in control, that I am on top of things that the world is mine for the taking and that I set the pace but this is a lie, a lie that has since been tied around my neck and one that keeps getting tighter and tighter choking me…suffocating me.

I deserve to find a person who knows, with a ruthless certainty, that they found the kind of human being they want to protect. Don’t I deserve such kind of beauty? That kind of peace? Don’t I deserve to find a person who shows up? A person who wants to laugh with me in bed at 1am when we both cannot sleep?

Someone who wants to be the reason why a smile dances across my face? Someone who wants to make dinner with me and slow dance in the kitchen with me? Someone who quizzes my hand at the scariest parts of the movie we watch together?

Don’t I deserve someone who wants to stand by my side, firmly and know deeply in their heart that I am special, that I am their favourite thing? Don’t I deserve someone who sees, actually sees me in all the light and all the dark within me? In all of my mess and all of my virtue? Don’t I deserve someone who loves me there?

When I love, I lay it all down, all out in the open and that is the main issue. I think I am ready, ready to open my doors to love, to the world but I am not. I think that I am blooming but it is just a facade, and the minute a single rose is plucked, I squirm and retreat because the wound is yet to heal. Vulnerability has always been the first and the greatest challenge but yet the heart has always been willing but is never ready.

He is the light that shines bright, my shining star, he is the jewel whose measure can never be measured and at such a short time it feels as if all the doors to my heart flew open and now I cannot close them, it feels like I let him in too soon but it felt so right then, it still does but then what if…

What if I let him in so much?

What if I let out so much?

What if he does not like what he finds out?

What if he doesn’t like me as much as I like him?

What if it’s all in my head?

What if the sun never stopped shining and the lights of the night took a hiatus?

What if…

This is me and this is my love story. These little insecurities, fears, the little things that are of value, all these things make love what it is.

When love runs deep the fear runs deeper.